Letters to Nowhere: Alone

My dearest brother,

I don’t know who I am any more. I feel so lost. In such a short amount of time, I have gone from a spoiled, selfish merchant’s daughter to a near destitute vagabond scrounging for survival with batted eyelashes and bated breath. Someone leeching off of near strangers for such basic needs as a roof over my head and warm food in my belly. For fancy robes on my back.

I hate that I have become something I loathe. I’ve become our father.

The lines between kindness and manipulation have begun to blur. Misdirected, I have gutted one for an advantage over the other. This passionate need to fight for what I want has destroyed what I want. I want friends, I want family. I want to be loved. But they seem to simply slip through my grasp. I can’t trust myself to differentiate between friend or foe anymore. I am not prepared for a world such as Bree. I feel like I have lost something, and more than just a friend. All to protect myself against the dark rumours that he himself perpetuates by justifying them.

I do not know whether to feel justified or suffer from the terrible loss.

He’s in my head.

Anyatka sighs heavily. "I don't want to feel anything." Morducai says, 'Pardon?' Anyatka rolls her eyes and turns to take a few steps away from him. "Feel. I just want to like you. As a person. A nice person that's helped me get on my feet." Morducai lets out a breath. "*That's* what all this is about? Come here.”
Anyatka sighs heavily. “I don’t want to feel anything.”
Morducai says, ‘Pardon?’
Anyatka rolls her eyes and turns to take a few steps away from him. “Feel. I just want to like you. As a person. A nice person that’s helped me get on my feet.”
Morducai lets out a breath. “*That’s* what all this is about? Come here.”

He is in my head; I know he is and I do not want him to be, but I do not want him to not be, either. Eirikr, is this how it is like with Ninim? Do you want her so much it hurts? I cannot think of you before her; you are one. Together, you make a whole. How did you know that she was your other half? That together, you would be right?

And what if Ninim hadn’t been Ninim, but a person with a past and a face that everyone believes lies? What if someone you trusted told you not to trust her, though she had already told you that people would say precisely that? Who would you believe? Her? Or the rest of a town?

No, I am not prepared for a world such as Bree.

Thus, I am going on a trip. Miss Teiblanc found a necklace that might lead to a treasure and we are going to go seek it. I’m going on an adventure! I am nervous, maybe a little scared, even. But I feel like I am in good hands and cannot foresee any terrible grief that might befall us. Teiblanc is leading us and Eruviel, with whom I now live, wanted to come, too! A man named Torlach is sponsoring the trip; he is something called a Ranger and I feel perhaps a little disturbed. He once saw a bracelet I found on the road and threatened to relieve me of my hands as a penalty for stealing Ranger relics. He is rather frightening, but since then he has bought my art and been very pleasant. It’s down-right wonky.

Falros had agreed to come along at first, though since then we have had a figh falling out. He warned me that Morty was just playing mind games and manipulating me—his words stung more than I could admit. So I stung back and made as if I were using Morty. I tried to make it seem like I had no emotional attachments to him and that Falros was worried over nothing. But it circled back and bit my heel; he no longer trusts me so suddenly I changed. He didn’t know who I was any more and neither did I. I feel absolutely terrible about what happened—Falros is such a simple man. I did him a grave disservice by giving him my complications and I am so sorry for it.

What should I do, brother mine? How can I fix this—is it even possible?

Yours,

Anyatka

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